Deep in the Meadow
by KatMellark21
Summary: As I paint her, I am filled with all the love in the world for her. But I feel something nagging at the back of my head...
1. Chapter 1

"It's such a beautiful day," I hear her say as my paintbrush strokes across the canvas, leaving behind a long dark lock of her hair. I look up at my muse again. Not just my muse, I think with a smile, my wife. Katniss and I have been married now for over a year and a half, and I still can't get over her. She's gorgeous. She's perfect. And she's all mine.

The sunlight on her skin makes her glow and her beautiful grey eyes are locked on mine with such love…"You love me. Real or not real?" I ask, not because I have doubts, I just like hearing her say it.

"Real," she replies, "Can I move now? I've been sitting against this tree for almost an hour."

"Just wait, I'm almost finished," I tell her with a chuckle. She always acts so impatient when I'm painting her. It's one of the little things I love about her. I love everything about her.

This is turning out to be one of my favorite paintings yet. Katniss sitting with her legs crossed out in front of her, leaning peacefully against the smooth light colored bark of the willow tree; it's long slender branches, a delicate curtain of leaves against the background, disturbed only by the slight sways of the breeze and the rays of sunlight. Katniss' hair is down today instead of in her usual braid, and it flows gently, hardly leaving her shoulder really, but it gives her so much life. Her hands rest lightly in her lap, a few dandelions held delicately between them. Her eyes are closed and the smallest smile is on her lips.

I've finished painting her hair, and now all that's left is to add in small touch ups. I grab a detail brush and dip it into my yellow paint, lifting it up to add specks of floating light to the canvas.

Something tickles at the back of my head, as though I've forgotten something. My brow furrows a little, trying to figure out what it is. But, I can't put my finger on it, so I push it away. It nags at me as I continue to work. Poking and prodding, calling for my attention.

The brush touches canvas again, but the small speck of yellow that I add to the dandelions is red. Dark, blood red. I hadn't even used red in this painting at all. I don't know where it came from.

I look down at the palette, but there is no red paint. The brush has no red on it either. My eyes flick back to the painted dandelions, and I find that they are still yellow. The red is gone, and a drop of fresh yellow is in its place.

Something is not right. I can feel it coming. A deep dread begins to rise in the pit of my stomach, and it begins to fill me with a hollow emptiness.

Katniss…I peer around the canvas. She has to get out of here…but my wife isn't there anymore.

In her place sits a demon, with dark hair, and olive skin. Her eyes are closed and she's clutching weeds in her hands.

No. It's her. It's Katniss. I need to warn her. Tell her to get away.

My vision is going hazy, everything around me fades from the fresh green life of spring to a horrifying dark red. I can feel my heart beginning to race, and the only clear thought that I have in my head is that she has to get away before…

"Katniss," I call, stepping toward her.

The woman turns her head to me and opens her eyes. I draw back in fear. They are black with glowing red irises. She opens her mouth to speak but I can't hear the words because I am petrified by the sight of her sharp fangs.

I remember this beast. This is the monster they told me about. They warned me of her power. I have to kill it. It is an abomination. A muttation. She must be destroyed or else she'll kill me first, and then everyone I care about, my brothers, my dad, Madge, Delly.

Katniss. What if it finds her? No. I can't let that happen.

She lashes out at me, her sharp claws aiming for my chest. I jump back, pushing her arm away from me.

"I'll kill you!"

I rush forward, my hands outstretched in front of me. If I go for the throat I can suffocate it or break its neck. I can kill it in one swift move. Then they'll be safe. They will all be safe from this monster.

It falls backward and flies around to attack me from behind.

A loud voice fills my head, "STOP! YOU'LL HURT HER!"

I look around me frantically to find the source of the voice, but I only see the beast. I stare her down, ready to attack, but I hesitate when the voice pounds in my ears again, "DON'T! JUST LEAVE HER ALONE!"

It must be the tricks of this creature before me, speaking into my mind with its demon abilities. I stare it down, long and hard and begin to shout, my voice rising louder with each word, "You think you're so clever. I won't let you go. You're a mutt! You're a monster! I won't let you hurt anyone!"

She shouts at me, then lurches forward to bite my face. I duck to the side and force the creature to the hard earth, pinning its shoulders to the ground.

"I SAID STOP! IT'S KATNISS!"

The monster, writhes in my grip but her mouth did not open. I look around again to find the owner of the voice but there is no one, "No it's not! She isn't Katniss! She's a mutt!"

"NO! IT'S THE CAPITOL! THEY DID THIS TO YOU! THEY HIJACKED YOU! YOU'RE HURTING HER!"

The monster glares at me with its glowing red and black eyes and begins to chant.

"LISTEN! LISTEN TO HER!"

For a moment, I do as the voice instructs, but the creature's chanting sounds like she is laying a curse on me or calling out for more of her kind to give her aid. I clasp a hand over the mutt's mouth to make it stop.

"NO! LISTEN!"To my surprise, my hand flies back and her voice escapes.

But the chanting is now mingling with something else. Singing? Is it singing?

"YES! LISTEN TO HER!"

Everything is blurring together. The sounds of the chanting and singing are bending. The red tint to everything is fading out. The monster's eyes change from red to grey. And my beautiful Katniss is restored to me.

I can hear the last bits of her lullaby now, the rough chanting voice gone, now replaced by a quavering song, "Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true, here is the place where I love you."

A tear rolls down the side of her face as she finishes and chokes out a single word, "Peeta?"

I come back to myself and realize that I am still pinning her down to the ground. Quickly, I get off of her and sit beside her, pulling her into my arms. My hand finds its way to her hair and I hold her to me as closely as I can.

Being restored to my normal self, I try to comfort her, but she is just as much a comfort to me as I am to her.

She's herself again, my beautiful Katniss. But I remember that she was not the one that changed. It was me.

I was so sure that she was a beast, but none of that is true. It was all just a trick of the Capitol and their hijacking. No, she isn't a mutt. She isn't a monster. I am the monster.

"I'm so sorry," I say quietly into her ear.

"It's not your fault," she says, pulling back to look at me, her eyes puffy from fighting back tears. She searches my face for a few moments before asking, "You love me. Real or not real?"

Our lips meet in a gentle kiss, and I hold her close to me again, resting my head over her shoulder so she can't see the pain in my eyes as I respond, "Real." But I'm not so sure it's entirely the truth anymore.

I do love her. I love her more than anything in the world. But there will always be a part of me that wants her dead.

I make my choice. I will leave before she wakes in the morning. She'll be safer alone.

I need her to stay safe.


	2. Chapter 2

I close my eyes, and wait until Katniss drifts off to sleep. Her head is curled up on my shoulder, one arm draped across my chest. It's how she sleeps when she suspects that I'd be haunted by nightmares. Although she's smaller than me, it's a protective gesture and I always find it so comforting.

I lie awake for hours, the gentle weight of her arm giving me something to focus on as the minutes tick slowly by. Finally, her deep, even breathing lets me know that she is fast asleep. I carefully slip out from under her arm, and place it gently on the bed. She doesn't wake up, but I stand there silently for a moment to be sure.

I make my way to the closet, trying to keep my steps light. Once I get there I grab a large soft leather bag, one of multiple that lay folded in the corner. I remember when Katniss and I made these bags. We were going on a camping trip and wanted a good way to take our supplies. It was going to be just a week long trip for the two of us to get away from everything and spend time together.

No worrying about the bakery, no being bothered by constant calls from Effie. Just us. We made a large hammock and slept under the stars for a week, cradled closely together through the cool autumn nights.

I let myself dwell on the memory as I start to silently shove clothes into the bag. Every article of clothing I put inside it, take more will power. Even when it's full, the bag only weighs a few pounds, but it's like the weight of the world on my shoulder. An anchor, trying to pull me down and keep me here.

The bag slung over my shoulder, I start to head for the door, but it is difficult to step lightly with my prosthetic, and I accidentally bump the bedframe with my foot.

Katniss turns in her sleep and blearily opens her eyes, squinting at me standing there. I quickly set the bag down on the floor and crawl onto the bed next to her, "Shh. Go back to sleep."

I can hear in her voice that she still is half asleep, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," I lie, "Just had to use the bathroom."

"Mmm. Ok. Come here," she murmurs sleepily, a tired half smile on her face as she gently pulls at the collar or my shirt, tugging me close to her for a soft kiss, "You love me. Real or not real.." She trails off, falling asleep as she finishes the question.

I lay my hand on her cheek, gently letting my thumb stroke her soft olive skin. I can't bring myself to say the word. I can feel a pressure growing in my chest and my eyes are beginning to burn. I lean down to give her a kiss, but I stop myself at the last second.

I can't do this. If I kiss her again, I know I'll try to convince myself to stay here. I can't stay. I love her so much, but if I stay here it's only going to get worse. I have to keep her safe and the only way to do that is if I leave.

I pull my hand away from her and take up my bag, then head for the front door.

Walking down the dark street from our home into town is long and difficult. My feet drag along the ground and every part of me is screaming to turn around and go back. But I can't..

The images from yesterday are still fresh in my mind. And they will only get worse. I could actually kill her one day. What would happen then? I couldn't bear to live with myself if I hurt her. But I couldn't kill myself either because that would be far too merciful, to just escape from the pain. No, I wouldn't even deserve to die. I would force myself to live with the pain and the guilt of that.

But is this a better option? To just walk away from the one person that I have loved for my entire life? My Katniss, my wife; the girl who sang in school with the voice of an angel, the one that saved my life in the games, the one who showed me compassion when I opened up to her, the one who held me close when I was the one who was afraid, the one that leaned on me for comfort, the woman that makes my life worth living. Should I really leave her?

But I can hear a quiet whisper in the back of my head, _She killed so many people. It was her fault my family is dead…_

The voice is in my head still, even when she is not with me. It just confirms it for me. I have to go, to keep her safe. At the very least I can hope that she will be able to move one once she knows I am gone and find someone else to spend her life with.

I make it into town as these thoughts possess my mind. Where should I go? I can't stay at the bakery. That will be the first place she goes to look for me. I could try Delly's house, but Katniss would surely go and ask her about where I was. No, I can't stay here at all. I'll have to leave the District.

I rush to the train station. There is a train that leaves at sunrise each day, so if I run I should make it in time.

I climb onboard just as the train is about to pull out. It is a long ride and I'm stuck with my wandering thoughts and doubts. So many questions I will have to spend the rest of my life not knowing the answers to.

How long did she look for me? Did I break her heart? Will she spend sleepless nights wondering where I am? Will she understand that I was doing what I thought was best for her? Can she ever forgive me? How long until she realizes that I am not coming back? How long until she moves on? Will she be happy when she finds someone else? Raise a family with them? Was this really the right choice?

Hot tears are streaming down my face. I don't even know when I started crying. I try desperately to direct my thoughts elsewhere. And finally, I am granted the mercy of sleep.

When I wake, the train is pulled into a station. So I hop off and try to get my bearings for where I am. I stroll through the town, looking up at all the tall buildings. On one of the buildings, I can see the District seal. I recognize it at the seal for the masonry district. It looks like I've landed in District 2.


End file.
